Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
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[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.