A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
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If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Breaking news:
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
it is time once again
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.