I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
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estão todos miauvindo?
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
im all 3
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
“just sayin” who asked you though?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?