5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
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This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭