Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
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*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Sign at work today
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.