Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
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You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I hate when that happens.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????