The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
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Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.