The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
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Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
😩😩😩
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Most fashion shows these days…
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I never needed anything more in my life
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard