Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
You Might Also Like
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Boating season is upon us.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.