HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
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A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
He’s dead
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
How actors in movies eat their food
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore