[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
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ok this is my dumbest yet
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you