Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
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First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this