what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
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*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
crochet youtube is brutal
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE