I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.