You Might Also Like
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.