Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
You Might Also Like
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
He’s cranky this morning
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists