The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
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*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
My Plans 2020
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Breaking news:
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.