he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
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I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind