wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
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Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I’m calling the cops.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Breaking news:
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.