For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
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If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok