Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
You Might Also Like
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!