Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh