Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
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Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Remember folks 😂
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?