Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
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I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?