Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
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9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*