[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
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I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
This is the one
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
step 6: release the wall snake
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.