*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
they really do be looking like this
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast