Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
August 8
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.