Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
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Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.