WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
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I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
In space, no one can hear…
Is this you?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord