COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
three things we don’t talk about
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO