Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.