I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
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Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed