doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
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I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.