I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
You Might Also Like
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.