Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
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I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.