I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
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“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Why is everyone getting married at me
What the hell happened here.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief