I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
being a writer on Twitter:
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.