I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
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My birthstone is a marshmallow
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.