nature’s most graceful animal
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There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.