Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
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American Horror Story: Public Restroom
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
me, too, girl. me, too.