A Short Story.
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Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*