My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
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*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
BRAKING NEWS!!
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Cat.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.