“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
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me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u