wait.
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My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God