Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
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I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.