My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
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Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.