My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
You Might Also Like
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza