Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
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I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy