I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
You Might Also Like
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Once again not all heroes wear capes
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?